In my last post, I wrote about how my psychologist said she wished I could get to the point where I accepted who and where I am, and just be ok with it.
I think I got my first taste of that this week.
A couple of weeks ago I had an interview to volunteer with the Distress Centre. I’d interviewed with them 2 years ago and had been told at that time, that I’d be a great fit, but I couldn’t be accepted because I’d been in a psych hospital in the preceding 2 years. Since then, I’ve been volunteering elsewhere and I’ve been waiting out the 2 year period until I reapplied a few weeks ago.
The woman doing the interview, didn’t have that many questions for me, as I’d been thoroughly interviewed 2 years ago. What she really wanted to know is what I’d been doing in the past 2 years, and how I’d handled any intense emotional experiences. In the context of a job interview, this would have been completely illegal, but they need to know that volunteers are stable and able to handle the intensity of calls, so I was ok with it.
And surprisingly I really was ok. I told her about my bankruptcy, losing my apartment and having to move into transitional housing, my struggles with staying sober, dropping out of school in 2013, and 2014 and my struggles with finishing school now.
And I was ok. I didn’t turn red. I didn’t stammer. I didn’t minimize. I didn’t try to excuse things. I just gave the facts, in all their ugly glory.
And she didn’t treat me like a social pariah. She said it told a story of real resiliency. I’m not sure what reaction I was looking for but that wasn’t it. The main thing is I didn’t feel bad.
I guess I’m becoming ok, with being me.