I had a very discomforting conversation with my addictions Dr. on Fri. I was telling her how much I wanted to drink, and that the desire was being fulled by anxiety around returning to school to finish a post graduate diploma, and pressure from my roommate to get through the course and get a good job, since I’m carrying the bulk of the expenses – I’m ok with that by the way.
We were talking about how whenever I go back to school, or start a new job, I almost always relapse and she said I needed to get to the bottom of whatever the fear was, so that I could stop self-sabotaging myself. I agree with that, and do think my drinking has a large element of self sabotage to it.
And then she dropped the bomdbshell. She said “you can not afford another relapse.” I guess I looked a little taken aback and she said that one thing she took away from AA when she was attending it, was the idea that I might have another relapse in me, but may not have another recovery. She doesn’t think I have another recovery in me.
My last relapse was pretty bad, even by my standards. I had a partial seizure, and stopped breathing at one point. I’m still not sure how I got out of it. But I did.
I have I guess what you’d call a somewhat cavalier attitude towards relapse and drinking. I figure if I choose to drink, and I do believe it’s a choice it’s mine to make and if I die, I die. I’m not afraid of death.
However she said the next time you relapse, odds are your going to walk in here with yellow skin, heart problems, or a cognitively impaired brain to the point where you’ll have to be parked in a long term care facility. Those things all scare me. Because that’s not how i want to die. I’m better than that.
So today is another day in choosing not to drink.