After my last OD, my psychiatrist was understandably concerned, so we once again tried the remedy that’s worked in the past to blast me out of a sever depressive episode. We raised my risperidone from 3 to 4 mg. Now I’m not advocating meds as the solution to everything, but talk about night and day, I’ve gone from being actively suicidal to some semblance of my normal charming pessimistic self. Happy is asking for too much.
My motivation is up, my concentration is better, I’m able to get things done. Most significantly I don’t want to off myself, which really is reassuring. Yeah, there’s still a lot of negative self talk floating away in the back of my head, but it’s like there’s a fuzzy blanked between me and it. I can hear it, and I can see it, but I don’t have to believe it.
In some ways it freaks me out that my brain is so sensitive to one little chemical, albeit at a moderately high dose. But it definitely shows me that at least part of my depression is biochemical. I can’t decide if that makes me feel better or not.
We’ll see how long I’m able to tolerate being on the higher dose. Historically I’m only ok on it for 3-4 months and then I start getting side effects that I can’t tolerate. And I really don’t want to add Cogentin to the mix – I’m on enough drugs.
So for now, I’m starting to feel better – I’ve still got a long way to go, but at least I’m able to function at school, and in the course I’m teaching. I’ll settle for that.